Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

~ Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

~ I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

~ You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

~ If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.

~ Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

~ Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

~ The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

~ In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

~ Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

~ When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.

~ You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

~ My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

~ I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

~ Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

~ True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.

~ Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.